Difficult times

I had a really great weekend with my parents. My folks are great. M & I ran to Granbury and had a great time at D & G's Bed and Breakfast (my parents). They put in a pool in their back yard last year and their place is truly beautiful. They have outdoor speakers and can play music in the pool area. M told us that she'd fire the grandparents if they'd ever make the pool public - turns out she loves to skinny dip.

We had a great time.

But I have to say that this was a welcomed bright spot in a difficult time.

Professionally, I work in the land development industry. Work is tough lately - mainly because I just haven't had a lot of it.

I work in four different arenas:

• Municipal
• Residential
• Commercial
• Natural Gas

All are experiencing a major down turn lately.

I have to admit, I've been feeling a little down lately - but J is wonderful. He had me list out all the stuff my company has done over the last 9.5 years - and I get amazed. It was amazingly good for me to do that.

You see, I've been applying to various governmental jobs lately. It has been truly humbling. I've probably applied to over 60 positions - and have been over the past two months. I am used to getting good feedback from employers and many times I get the dreaded "You were not referred for this position. Your resume did not reflect the highly qualifying criteria the selecting official identified as necessary for successful performance in the position."

Bullshit.

I am a damn good engineer.

Fucking good.

(sorry for the language - I'm just frustrated.)

So, the dilemma. Try to keep my company going, or get a job with another one.

It's a hard decision. I've been self employed for almost a quarter of my life.

For an Air Force Brat who moved on average every year of her life until she was 21, this is true commitment.

It's hard to give up.

The freedom.

The excitement.

The hard work.

I almost gave it up 4 years ago.

Work started to slow down and I didn't think I could sustain a full payroll anymore. I did one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do - I let someone go who I knew needed to continue to work for me. I cried many, many nights and still wonder how my former tech is doing. I interviewed with a couple of consulting engineering firms - got some offers and turned them all down.

The pressure of a full payroll came off and I had enough work to cover me. I worked very hard for a long time.

Scan to now.

I hate waking up and going up to my computer with very little work.

I also am starting to miss working with people - you know. Waking up. Commuting. Getting to work. Drinking coffee. Conversing with co-workers.

I miss it. I really do.

But I love being self employed. LOVE IT.

"sigh"

So, I'm going to keep on keepin' on with my business and try to find some more. In the mean time, I'll keep floating my resume.

Who knows what will happen.

I still haven't had a firm job offer. I can't just stop working. My family needs me. I need to do it. I want to do it. I love doing it.

And you know what the irony is?

My company has more invoices paid to date than I've ever had paid without spending it. We've been on super conserve mode and just stick to basics - and it's working. We're actually doing okay. So we don't go out to eat as much as we used to. I don't get to buy as much yarn as I once did. I don't buy books anymore (I go to the library).

Life is still good.

I have a supportive husband. Loving and beautiful daughter.

I am one lucky woman.

And you know what?

I just know it will all work out.

It will.

No matter what happens, my husband will always support my decisions and my daughter has told me that she will be happy with whatever decision I make.

It just doesn't get any better than that.